Feast on Your Life...

Love After Love- Derek Walcott

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other’s welcome.

And say, sit here, eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread,. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes, Peel your image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Identity Blues

For the longest time, I thought I was like my dad. For the longest time. 

In fact, that was up till 2 minutes back. 2 minutes. Sigh. I am my mom.

Its crazy. 

Growing up, we never traveled. Never went to hill stations or some such...no wait- we did- I guess there was that one trip to Nainital when I was in Third standard...and of course the one to Goa when I was in Tenth..but you get the drift..never travelled...rarely traveled. I have only heard the following, "Lets go out for dinner" "No, we'll order it at home" or "Lets go to the mall" "No, lets go some other day". And having heard that, its hard to then pitch "Lets go to Manali" and get an ideal response from them. 

But me- me is a daredevil at heart- so me thumped the chest, stood facing the twin adversaries and said "We....shall go to Singapore!" SILENCE. 

Hmm- silence could be good. Maybe I have intimidated them to the extent that they just might say yes. My bravery, my in your face honesty, my stern unforgiving resolve..."Its too expensive", "I will not get a No Objection Certificate from my School" "And its too expensive" "Aur hum jaake karengey bhi kya?" "Do you know how much it costs?!" #Epic#Fail *sadface*

At the root of this epidemic, I have always placed my father. Sigh. Dads. Not open to change dads. Who want everything their way or the way mom-would-be-happy-with-and-leave-them-alone. Who would want nothing better than to sit in their favorite chair or that spot on the bed and watch a 17 year old match highlight in which I swear, I saw Kapil Dev with an afro. Sigh. Those were the days. Not about the dads- but the afro- D'uh.

And me? I've been right there along with dad. 100% LAZY bum. The word couch potato was spelt D-I-V...you get the drift. Anyways, my dad's the cutest. And I guess I'm like him. *Cute as a button*. He was the one saying lets eat at home or we'll go next year or Lets not go watch that movie because there is a ...wait for it...Terror Threat due to DIWALI!!! (To be fair - he just cant sit still for a 3 hour movie- and he absolutely HATES Ashutosh Gowarikar for making that 4 hour long Jodha Akbar that mom dragged him to) 

So I too sit around at home...do not like going shopping...want nothing better than a book in my hand and corn puffs within gobbling distance. And so I had resigned myself to this fate of semi-dad-ness and happily drudged my way through life with nary a care, between the gluttony, sloth and sheer laziness. I slopped around in my bean bag with eatables within easy reach, a bottle of water on the side, atleast 2 books that I could grab at, and let me see....remote for AC- check, remote for TV- check, laptop on the side- check. See, that's the skin I'm comfortable in- with my harem pants and almost 10 years old shirt, I am so not my semi-OCD mom. And then...Bam!

We were planning a trip for the coming long weekend. Oh Wait- not my family- I'm sorry, we are the Scrooges. We don't do "all that". So, my cousins were planning a trip for the coming long weekend, and before you know it, their parents agreed to go, and then THEY called my parents, who surprisingly agreed- because you see, the idea did not come from their ever so sensible-but-mightily-ignored daughter but their peers- you know- the ones with white and whiter hairs? So the first I heard of this trip, I sighed. Yes, I'm sure you think it'd be out of pleasure- but really- it wasn't. Because what I honestly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart wanted- was to sleep. Sleep through the weekend. Peaceful, blissful, quiet weekend- That was all I wanted. But really, I sucked up and moved on, cause of course dad was so excited about it. And I said- of course, we'd go.

But in this one moment of weakness, I asked, "What if I don't go...you guys should totally go ahead...". 

My mom, of all the people, broke the pin drop silence that followed this statement and said- "But why?" And then, "Really, if you don't want to go, then its ok- We shan't go too because honestly even I just don't feel like it..." 

My Mom. I realized that all these years that we didn't travel much, it wasn't because of dad. It was just because when you work full time and then come home to manage two drive-you-to-death brats, not to mention expectations of your in laws and a perpetually busy husband, you don't need a vacation, you just need some rest. Because lord knows, with 2 kids in tow, there is no vacation. 

Moms. Don't we love 'em? 

And me? Yes, I am like mom...but that doesn't mean I'm not like dad. What it does mean is that I can really get away with anything - and I mean anything- by wholly laying the blame of on either or both of them. After all, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree... :)

To Be or Not To Be..

Life. 


I wish it was not about expectations. I wish it was about love.

The High Cost of Living

It’s cold. Cold Metal. Feels awkward in my mouth.

I can feel the ridges with my tongue, the odd chip on the side- the engraving near the trigger.

Awkward. My mouth feels that. But the gun, it seems happy- like it's home.

I wonder what’s going to happen next. The safety catch is released. I imagine pulling the trigger, the whirr of the bullet as it leaves its abode to settle into mine. The slide into the barrel, the touch of the bullet to the back of my mouth, the thrust to my hand as it recoils, the burn as the bullet makes its way through my skull, and my brain. The pop- as it all falls apart and I lose my senses. Lose my all.

How will my body respond? Will I lose control? Will my bladder give up on me? Does it matter?

Ha! Vanity- thou art a bitch.

The mirror’s on the side- I can see it from the corner of my eye. See it see me. See it judge me. The bastard. What does it know about living a life? Living my life. Can’t blame it though- it's lot in life.

I look to my right. There he is- Cobain with his haunting eyes- looking back at me. Cajoling me. He gets it. Gets this emptiness, the loneliness. The feeling of being alone in a crowd. It’s the eyes that speak. Come join me, they say. Come as you are. That has me smirking.

I run my thumb over the trigger. That’s all it takes- one push. Seems too easy. Too easy to let it all go. What else can I do though? In my sixteen years, I seem to have lived a lifetime. Had sex. Check. Did lines. Check. Smoked pot. Check. Cut myself. Check.  Anything to make me feel alive. And now it seems only death can do that. Ironical.

I close my eyes; feel the saliva trickling down my throat. The taste of metal still in my mouth. I can feel the shudder rising through my hands, to my arm, up my throat to the back of my head. I let my head fall backwards.

Its time.

Dance of the Spirits

The bell rang as he stepped into the little drugstore, mist fuming from between his lips, rubbing his hands together.

It had been snowing on and off since Christmas. Christmas in New York. He never thought he'd be the one to miss the snow, seeing as he was from Alaska. But even he couldn’t stop that smile from forming when he woke up one fine morning to find the city covered in a blanket of snow. It somehow made this concrete jungle a lot more humane. A lot more like home.

He went up to the counter, picked up a pack of Marlboros and took his place in the queue behind a red haired elf. It was New york- he shouldn't have been surprised- but really- Christmas was done and over with. The woman at the counter rang up his purchase and he stepped out. She stood there- the elf- she had taken out a cigarette and stood there lighting it. Exactly what he had been intending to do. He walked up to her and asked if he could borrow a light.

A little pixie face looked up, smiled and said “Sure, everyone could do with a little warmth today."

He smiled as she lit his cig and they stood there outside the drugstore, puffing on the little poison sticks. 

"So, how are the working conditions at the North Pole?” he asked.

She shook her head and smiled, "Pretty pathetic if you ask, making toys for bratty kids and that Nicholas is quite the sugar daddy- if you know what I mean...”

"Of course- with that red coat- who could be up to any good in a RED coat- if I may ask?"

"Yup Yup- a regular perv, after all, he came up with the entire sneaking down the chimney thing. I mean, what’s wrong with politely knocking at the door and handing over the gift?"

"You know, I always did wonder that. I wonder how he managed specially with the snow and the near obese body structure. You'd think with all the up and down, he'd be fitter"

“Well, exercise once a year does not a Hulk Hogan maketh”

“Hulk Hogan? Really? I’d have put you more in the category of Triple H, you know”

“Gosh- you watch WWE? How old are you? Ten?”

“Says the woman dressed like an elf....”

“Hehe- I guess I had that coming”, she said as she stomped out the cig butt. “So where are you off to on this New year's eve?”

“Me? I thought I’ll take walk over to the Rockefellers and look at the fireworks... And you must be heading back to the North Pole..?”

“No No- Annual vacation time. Nick's out till Jan end. And the toy making factory is at a standstill.”

“Oh---so why don’t you come along. An elf by my side will make things all the more interesting”

“One pick up line I never thought I’d hear”. We both smiled.

“You know”, she said, “Try as I might, i can’t resist the lure of New York covered under a blanket of snow.”

He smiled wider- “I was thinking just that. It’s like home...”

“And where would that be?”

“Alaska.”

She gave out a shout of laughter and stood in the middle of the street clutching at her sides- “Are you fucking kidding me? You are from fucking North Pole? And you are making jokes about me?! Haha!”

He stood by sheepishly- “Yup Yup- I live next door to your toy factory- Happy now? Though technically, Alaska's not North Pole you know- that would be the Arctics.”

“Oh yeah- it’s a degree away”, she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “You are from Eskimo Land”

“I prefer to call it the land of the Northern Lights...”

She sighed “Dance of the Spirits"

He looked back, surprised- “How do you know that? Not many people do...”

“Know what? About the Aurora Borealis?”

“No- Dance of the Spirits- my grandma used to call it that…”

“Your grandma was a Cree? How delightful!  I always thought there was a kind of poetry in that. I can imagine man observing it for the first time and thinking just that- Dance of the Spirits- them coming together, converging and then moving apart- charged with electricity and intensity...."

“She wasn’t a Cree, though she’d say that it’s a lot like life…People coming together, drifting apart, meeting new people and writing newer destinies- Dance of our Life, she used to call it…”

“That’s beautiful...isn't it amazing- just when you think you have encountered all that life has to offer, you watch one sunset- and even that seems like a miracle. But the northern lights- they seem more than a miracle. Who could've thought that it’s just a collision of charged particles directed by the Earth's magnetic field? Two random charged particles coming together to create something so beautiful and then moving apart to create something completely different- yet equally wonderful “

“I know, I would stay up the whole night to watch just that and read..”

“Read?”

“Yup, with the light from the borealis. It gets that bright in the night...”

“Oh my God! You are such a geek! Read? Why would you want to read when you could have the most romantic date ever?”

“Really? In that much light? That’d have been a fun date!”

They were nearing Rockefeller’s now, the crowd getting denser. Up in the sky, sat the huge ball, bursting of which would mark the event of New Year. People were laughing and singing all around.

“So how long have you been in New York?, she yelled over the din of voices

“Long enough to not get surprised over that man throwing up over everyone”

“Haha- oh, ew- he really is…let’s get outta here”

“Really? Are you nuts? You never leave a good spot at Rockefellers on New Year’s Eve”

“What if you gotta pee?” One eyebrow rose “Ok- no really- sorry I asked”

And then the chants began “10…9….8…7..”

“I always found that funny- chanting along with the seconds- imagine, if the world ended at 12- u spent the last 10 seconds of your life doing just that- counting seconds”

He smiled and then the cheers of Happy New Year filled the air, and people were cheering, laughing and kissing all at once. He looked at her- that little elf. Those green eyes stared back. They kissed, just as the fireworks went off.

Their foreheads together, they stood smiling amidst the din of laughter and catcalls.

“I’m Emma”, by the way, she gasped.

“Ryan”, He said

And they smiled. A Happy New Year indeed.

The Eve of Destruction

"Everybody move calmly to the assembly area. DON'T PANIC. Everybody move calmly in a straight line towards the assembly area. Please let the....."

The voice droned on and on and like little ants, we moved in a straight line, converging from all sides towards the exit. What a day! First the ArmEx deal fell through and now, right in the middle of the tender negotiations, the bomb scare. I bet it's just some stupid hoax caller. Damn those buggers.

The office goers all formed a restless bunch. Some stood in groups, smoking and fidgeting, the others fervently looking around at the action. Some just lounged about in the grass, taking out their lunch packets, the slight sunshine a balm in this raspy winter. I saw her sitting bang in the middle of it all. A lone figure, surrounded by the crowd. A calm amidst the storm.

Heading towards her, I caught her glance and smiled. This seemed like as good time as any to make friends right?!  I sat down on a dry patch of grass beside her.

"Hi, I don't think I've seen you around.…I'm Alec"

Brown eyes stated into green ones and she smiled, "Hi...I'm Julia.." I was smitten- there was something about that smile. The day might not turn out to be that bad after all.

"You don't work here, do you? "

She smiled- "I don't- my friend works in the mail room- covering 1st through the 6th floors.. we had dinner together last night and she woke up pretty sick today morning- so thought I'd fill in for her...what about you?"

"Me? I've just started here actually, I used to work with the Republican Party for close to 5 years. Must say it was an interesting experience..."

One eyebrow arched, "You support Bush?"

"Well yeah- I mean people can say anything they want but that man knows what he is doing."

"You mean attacking third world countries to find his imaginary Weapons of Mass Destruction or fuelling terror around the world?"

"That, lady, is unpatriotic. I mean, that Saddam- he was scum. His regime needed to be removed and Bush alone had the guts to call war and stop that genocide. We are America. The balance of this world hangs on us. They look to us to be their saviors. You think its an easy job?"

"Ha! That's some jingoistic attitude you've got there. So if we are the saviors and stopping that genocide was the prerogative, then why did we not do anything about Darfur? Or Chechnya? Or probably we just do whatever is convenient to us."

"Well if those countries had their way, they'd be eating away all our resources. We need to prioritise and that's what we did. We warned them- we told them it was coming. They could have stopped it. Its not like it was a surprise attack. It was not calculated- but it was the need of the hour."

"Like it was the need of the hour to sponsor terrorism during the cold war?  Just because they were targeting the big bad wolf USSR? Our people are dying. Thousands of them- young blood, out there in the battlefield. Killing, fighting, dying- you think they'd ever be normal? Even when they come back, they are but a shadow of their former selves. What is your administration doing about it? Where was Bush when that mother sat outside his vacation home wanting an answer to why her young son was a victim at Iraq? And all you can say is that "YOU WARNED THEM?" That they knew it was coming? No one warned us, Alec- no one did- about the repurcussions"

"You won't understand, Julia. Politics is a dirty game. What needs to be done- has to be done. Collateral damage is unavoidable."

"Then why act surprised when it comes to bite us in the ass? When these terrorists attack us? CIA created them, they funded them till the time they served our purpose and then left them to fend for themselves. Tell me Alec, have someone you known died in a terror strike? Do you know how many families are ripped apart daily as a result of terrorist activities throughout the world? Young mothers widowed, sons and daughters who will never get to see their parents again, towns that have no young left...How can they justify it? Who will take responsibility for it? The CIA? The White House?"

I sighed, "Really, why are we fighting about this? We've just met....Anyways fancy being stuck outside in this cold due to that nuisance", I said trying to move to a safer topic.

She took a deep breath. Then in a calmer voice, "Nuisance? I think the intent is safety- is it not?"

"Well- I bet it's just a hoax- you know?"

"Really? What makes you so sure?"

"I don't think Taliban goes for these subtle little bombs you know...I mean its the CIA Headquarters- you think they'd let a bomb in easily?...Now if I saw a plane on the horizon, I'd worry..."

Those eyes glazed over "My father died in the 9/11 blasts...."

Shit. "Damn- I'm sorry- I must have sounded so callous..."

"Its OK- you don't have to be sorry- People who have to be aren't..."

"Yup..but what I wanted to say was that the security here is very tight- so you needn't worry."

Again, that smile. "You don't get it do you?"

"No really- the building is secure", he justified.

"Its not the buildings that screw up- Alec, people do. Why would anyone want to blow up a building, when its the people they want dead?"

"I don't get it..."

"Look around you Alec, how many people are there in this tight assembly area?"

"Around 300..."

"So if I were to press this tiny button on my phone to detonate the bomb, how many do you think will die?"

He stared at her, confusion blatant in his eyes...

"What did you say? Oh yeah- We warned them Alec- We told them it was coming. They could have stopped it."

She smiled- that same smile....and as the comprehension dawned in my eyes, she pressed the button.